hold it up to the light

this song has been one of the most meaningful of my life. i've been smitten with david's music since i was 15 and he is still my favorite folk musician because his music and messages are timeless. his wit, his compassion, his lyricism, his ability to make totally complicated and rhythmic guitar parts sound simple and gorgeous, his HUGE talent for writing songs that speak directly to my heart- well, he's just been a total gift. i was talking to my sister beloved who recently and tragically lost her baby girl about this song and how we've both been affected by him and this song in particular.

i think we all have times in our lives when we throw up our hands and say, "i don't know which way to go. i don't know who or what to trust. i don't know how to trust." and in our world with all the choices we have, there are so many distractions!! having choices is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but sometimes, like everything else, it isn't. especially when there are too many. often it doesn't matter what we choose, but many times it absolutely does, and as i think back on my life, i wish i had taken what this song conveys more seriously. i wish i had held it up to the light instead of acting in fear that the light wouldn't answer.

It's the choice of a lifetime - I'm almost sure
I will not live my life in between anymore
If I can't be certain of all that's in store
This far it feels so right
I will hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

The search for my future has brought me here
This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear
That the choice I was made for will someday appear
And I'll be too late for that flight
So hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

It's too late - to be stopped at the crossroads
Each life here - a possible way
But wait - and they all will be lost roads
Each road's getting shorter the longer I stay

Now as soon as I'm moving - my choice is good
This way comes through right where I prayed that it would
If I keep my eyes open and look where I should
Somehow all of the signs are in sight
If I hold it up to the light

I said God, will you bless this decision?
I'm scared, Is my life at stake?
But I see if you gave me a vision
Would I never have reason to use my faith?

I was dead with deciding - afraid to choose
I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose
But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move
And trust that the timing is right
Yes and hold it up hold it up to the light
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light


while i'm not struggling with any one particular decision lately, this theme has become one of the most significant in my life as i struggle to understand what it really means to trust god and hold my life up to his light. i think i've always thought, "yeah, god's there, he cares about me." but it's been in more impersonal terms. have i really believed that, in turning myself over to him, he could and would change and bless my life? or that he could and would change me? honestly?? not really. but i want to make it personal. i want a real relationship with him.

i've been reading a book written by a woman who struggled for many years with severe obesity and how she was able to combine principles of her faith with the 12 steps to become sober, meanwhile, alleviating a multitude of other problems that just seemed to fall into place... (side note: i am fascinated with addiction and aa and all the 12 step programs; don't worry, i'm not addicted to heroin, peeps), and it was only until she was able to begin to develop that trust that her life was able to change. it wasn't willpower, it wasn't luck. it was, as they say in aa, a power greater than her own.

don't we all have problems? and don't we all have problems that, at times, seem to be unfixable? problems that need more than we can give to them? i know that as i have battled several episodes of severe depression and anxiety over the last 15 years, those things have seemed unfixable. or any personal weakness or characteristic or relationship, that, try as i might, i cannot change by myself. (irritability, jealousy, whatever...) coleen harrison, writer of the book, suggests that most problems are fundamentally spiritual, and so most solutions must be spiritual. she also suggests that virtually any problem, whether it's socially acceptable or not, overeating or alcoholism, perfectionism or sex addiction, can be addressed and ameliorated by seeking and developing a trusting relationship with the divine. this isn't to say that if i develop perfect trust, my depression and anxiety will go away. maybe they will, maybe they won't. but maybe that load can lighten so i don't feel it on my back. or maybe greater trust can lead to greater understanding of the why. so how do i do it? how do i turn myself over to him? how do i hold it up to the light? that is the work before me.... i don't believe there is any better work i could ever do.