new project

inherited from jon's brother and sister-in-law who got tired of it sitting around. i get to reupholster this chaise! yay!! i'm totally excited about it and am thinking i will paint it a subtle gold and then recover it in a damask or velvet. it'll probably take longer than some other projects, only because it's hard on my back to hunch over anything for long. it will go so well with our ikea couch and turkish chairs... :)

hold it up to the light

this song has been one of the most meaningful of my life. i've been smitten with david's music since i was 15 and he is still my favorite folk musician because his music and messages are timeless. his wit, his compassion, his lyricism, his ability to make totally complicated and rhythmic guitar parts sound simple and gorgeous, his HUGE talent for writing songs that speak directly to my heart- well, he's just been a total gift. i was talking to my sister beloved who recently and tragically lost her baby girl about this song and how we've both been affected by him and this song in particular.

i think we all have times in our lives when we throw up our hands and say, "i don't know which way to go. i don't know who or what to trust. i don't know how to trust." and in our world with all the choices we have, there are so many distractions!! having choices is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but sometimes, like everything else, it isn't. especially when there are too many. often it doesn't matter what we choose, but many times it absolutely does, and as i think back on my life, i wish i had taken what this song conveys more seriously. i wish i had held it up to the light instead of acting in fear that the light wouldn't answer.

It's the choice of a lifetime - I'm almost sure
I will not live my life in between anymore
If I can't be certain of all that's in store
This far it feels so right
I will hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

The search for my future has brought me here
This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear
That the choice I was made for will someday appear
And I'll be too late for that flight
So hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

It's too late - to be stopped at the crossroads
Each life here - a possible way
But wait - and they all will be lost roads
Each road's getting shorter the longer I stay

Now as soon as I'm moving - my choice is good
This way comes through right where I prayed that it would
If I keep my eyes open and look where I should
Somehow all of the signs are in sight
If I hold it up to the light

I said God, will you bless this decision?
I'm scared, Is my life at stake?
But I see if you gave me a vision
Would I never have reason to use my faith?

I was dead with deciding - afraid to choose
I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose
But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move
And trust that the timing is right
Yes and hold it up hold it up to the light
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light


while i'm not struggling with any one particular decision lately, this theme has become one of the most significant in my life as i struggle to understand what it really means to trust god and hold my life up to his light. i think i've always thought, "yeah, god's there, he cares about me." but it's been in more impersonal terms. have i really believed that, in turning myself over to him, he could and would change and bless my life? or that he could and would change me? honestly?? not really. but i want to make it personal. i want a real relationship with him.

i've been reading a book written by a woman who struggled for many years with severe obesity and how she was able to combine principles of her faith with the 12 steps to become sober, meanwhile, alleviating a multitude of other problems that just seemed to fall into place... (side note: i am fascinated with addiction and aa and all the 12 step programs; don't worry, i'm not addicted to heroin, peeps), and it was only until she was able to begin to develop that trust that her life was able to change. it wasn't willpower, it wasn't luck. it was, as they say in aa, a power greater than her own.

don't we all have problems? and don't we all have problems that, at times, seem to be unfixable? problems that need more than we can give to them? i know that as i have battled several episodes of severe depression and anxiety over the last 15 years, those things have seemed unfixable. or any personal weakness or characteristic or relationship, that, try as i might, i cannot change by myself. (irritability, jealousy, whatever...) coleen harrison, writer of the book, suggests that most problems are fundamentally spiritual, and so most solutions must be spiritual. she also suggests that virtually any problem, whether it's socially acceptable or not, overeating or alcoholism, perfectionism or sex addiction, can be addressed and ameliorated by seeking and developing a trusting relationship with the divine. this isn't to say that if i develop perfect trust, my depression and anxiety will go away. maybe they will, maybe they won't. but maybe that load can lighten so i don't feel it on my back. or maybe greater trust can lead to greater understanding of the why. so how do i do it? how do i turn myself over to him? how do i hold it up to the light? that is the work before me.... i don't believe there is any better work i could ever do.

these two?

adorable.

i was looking at pictures of our trip to the cape last year and thought this one was especially cute. how is it possible that they are in their sixties?! such good parents i have.... (whoa, inner yoda. hi.)

they're in england for 3 weeks and i miiiiiiss them.

if you like mitt, i apologize...

not meant to offend.

it's just that i have this brilliantly hilarious friend whose post i have to repeat.



mitt and the word of wisdom


and then from les, and i quote: "it's ok, he'll probably just throw it up in the bathroom."

(i can excuse this cause we're both mormones and he was my bishop in boston, tho we have decidedly different political beliefs. also, for a time in my twenties i was basically borderline anorexic and CRAZED about my weight. i'm not saying i want to be anorexic, but the tiniest shred of that old self-control would be welcome now...)
dad, this one's for you.

gilligan, i mean, gillian

we went to see gillian welch and her partner david rawlings a few weeks ago at the u, and it was divine. like a lot of folk and bluegrass musicians (who i'm partial to), they are the kind of performers who sound at least as good or better live than the album does. it was one of those shows that happens the way a show should, with the audience sitting so rapt and quiet that you can actually feel the music in your souly soul. it made me homesick for a time i never knew, when women wore straw hats and lawn dresses and you might tromp through a field alone to go berry-picking.

pregnant is not all it's cracked up to be

and if you don't want to hear any complaining, then don't read this post.

at the wise old age of almost-35, i am pregnant with my first (and maybe last?) child. i am 24 weeks along, and am due january 22. currently, we're calling him walter but that could change if husband decides to like any of my other names (howard, arthur, linus, hugh....), OR in the event that i get brain damage between now and january and am swayed to his idea and we call him septembuary.  walter is the main reason that this blog has remained silent for months, due to the havoc he is wreaking on his mother's now middle-aged body. (should i have done this when i was 25??? perhaps.)

two of my sisters have had babies, and their pregnancies seemed to be pretty damage-free. and one of my grandmothers said she actually felt better when she was pregnant-- better mood, increased energy, etc., so i was hoping! but alas, i seem to have inherited my mother's luck. YE-AH.

morning sickness is a misnomer, people! because (for the lucky ones) it doesn't just show up in the morning, it hangs out ALL DAY. even taking a drug for nausea normally prescribed to people with cancer hasn't helped much. add to that the development of carpal tunnel (apparently it's common in pregnancy because of swelling), the inability to stand without grunting or peeing a little bit, a weird rash on my legs, arms and belly, the exhaustion, wearing clothes made for whales and feeling like one, the inconvenience of having to eat every hour or two, back pain, heartburn day and night, pitting edema, not being able to wear any of my shoes but birkenstock sandals (which is fine because i can't reach my chuck taylors to tie them anyway) and almost-chronic, blinding headaches... and we're off! actually, i have a friend who, for her three pregnancies, had to spend the entire time on her back in a dark room with no light and no movement.... and i think she is a saint. so could it be worse? yup.

at least i can send my husband out to get me slurpees and feel semi-okay about it. and getting my hands on that baby and smelling his baby smell will make it all worth it, right?

also, is it inevitable that this not-very-consistent blog will turn into a mommy blog? probably.

To Lys (1996)

White.

A blank canvas.

A surface of endless possibilities.

The two of us- a pair- stand before it

With brushes poised-

Midair.

Almost hesitant to begin, lest we, through our folly

Should disturb the beauty of such perfectly unmarred space.

We plan and worry and laugh with girlish lightheartedness-

And in the end, will the shapes and light and 

Color and space all conjoin harmoniously?

We stand-

Silently appreciating the vibrancy and life

Which the other has to contribute

Enjoying this light, this room, this youth,

This Now....

Realizing all the while that very soon we will each begin anew-

A canvas of our own.